Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Pain of a Stroke

I can't say that I know what it feels like to have a stroke. Except that it must just feel like everything on the affected side is asleep and it frustrates the heck out of him after a year and a half that he still can't move his body the way he wants to.

What I can say is that I feel like my heart is being broken over and over again.

Because I am selfish.

I want my needs met by my husband.

And there is no way he can meet my needs the way he used to. I feel like the Lord has given me a breakthrough this summer; that He helped me to realize that I was relying too much on my husband to meet all of my emotional needs. And when he had the stroke, he couldn't do that any more. I think God led me to finally let go this summer. And now I'm grieving a unique kind of loss – the loss of my husband. He isn't dead. He is still mentally aware and intelligent. But something emotional is gone, and I don't think we will get it back. Now it's the “acceptance” time for grief.

So I guess I'm the one on the road to recovery now. It has really been a freeing time. A time for me to realize how much more I need to rely on the Lord than on anyone else in this world. A time for me to recognize that I can get through this with His help. A time to understand that I am much more capable than I used to think I was.

The tears are fewer and farther between now. I love my husband and I'm committed to him forever. But losing an emotional component of our relationship has been more challenging than losing anything physical.


  1. You're not selfish, you're human. My husband was injured a while back, and it was hard on me too. Everything falls upon you suddenly, and the person that was your partner can no longer participate like he used to, and in my case, added to the workload. It's normal to be upset about this, not selfish. Try to find little things that make you happy. He may be suffering more, but that doesn't mean your pain doesn't count. This happened to all of you.

  2. Jen,

    Thank you so much for your blog. It is a blessing to me. I found you from a comment you posted on Ian and Larissa's site. I seek out words of encouragement from sisters like who are also grieving the "loss" of a husband who has not passed away, but yet is suddenly not who he used to be. It's been 7 months since my husband got sick, and as his sole caregiver, I am just now finding the time to begin to grieve. Writing on my blog is a form of therapy for me, and I am so grateful that you are writing, too. Thank you for being my support group and helping me tread these deep waters.


  3. Hey, Christina, I will try to reply on your blog, too, but I noticed that I couldn't send you an email. I, too, am thankful to have people that can at least understand what I am going through. I have so many supportive people in my life, but none of them really know what I'm going through. It's good to know someone else can relate. . . .and pray. :D