I can't say that I know what it feels like to have a stroke. Except that it must just feel like everything on the affected side is asleep and it frustrates the heck out of him after a year and a half that he still can't move his body the way he wants to.
What I can say is that I feel like my heart is being broken over and over again.
Because I am selfish.
I want my needs met by my husband.
And there is no way he can meet my needs the way he used to. I feel like the Lord has given me a breakthrough this summer; that He helped me to realize that I was relying too much on my husband to meet all of my emotional needs. And when he had the stroke, he couldn't do that any more. I think God led me to finally let go this summer. And now I'm grieving a unique kind of loss – the loss of my husband. He isn't dead. He is still mentally aware and intelligent. But something emotional is gone, and I don't think we will get it back. Now it's the “acceptance” time for grief.
So I guess I'm the one on the road to recovery now. It has really been a freeing time. A time for me to realize how much more I need to rely on the Lord than on anyone else in this world. A time for me to recognize that I can get through this with His help. A time to understand that I am much more capable than I used to think I was.
The tears are fewer and farther between now. I love my husband and I'm committed to him forever. But losing an emotional component of our relationship has been more challenging than losing anything physical.