Being awake hurts. My husband is bereft of all hope. Our marriage just "is" because we will never leave each other. But it's not functioning much more than that.
My children are constantly "bored" instead of being creative and being grateful for the beautiful summer break. And that means their relationships hurt when they attack each other physically and verbally.
Our finances hurt. We are not yet destitute, but we soon will be. Without health insurance and with very little money, we can no longer afford some of our basic prescriptions. Which means that, within a month's time, I will be in physical pain because my main prescription is for depression, but it also has vicious physical withdrawal effects. If I don't get insurance within a month's time, I will be emotionally and physically destitute. And, if you've never gone through it, the process of applying for DHS assistance, aside from being humbling every time we do it, is also painfully tedious. They continually ask for proofs of income, job, and assets - a few at a time instead of everything at once. So, the process which "should" conceivably take a few weeks, ends up taking months. But we don't really have months to spare.
Our stuff hurts. Everything is breaking. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Both cars are in need of serious maintenance and repair. The disposal keeps breaking and the dishwasher barely works. The washer does about 1/2 a load of wash at a time, and we have to run the dryer twice for every load. My computer keeps losing vital parts, the kids keep breaking doors and random stuff, and the kitchen ceiling leaks regularly. The front porch is peeling and falling apart, and our downspouts are falling off. The lawnmower works when it feels like it and the kids' pool is dying.
My faith hurts. I have prayed and mustered and worked and tried and prayed some more to have a positive attitude; an attitude of "God is enough" and "God will provide." And I've prayed and tried and persuaded and cajoled and nagged and prayed some more to try to convince my husband and the kids that God is enough and that He will come through for us. But instead of lifting all of us up, I end up getting dragged down.
I'm becoming cynical. And I know that's not good. I'm getting kind of tired of seeing nice "feel-good" status updates on other people's Facebook accounts. I want to yell, "That's not true!" I repent of cynicism and self-pity on a regular basis. I tell Jesus that I need Him about 100 times a day. But that doesn't always make me feel better.
I want to relax and write and enjoy the summer. But sometimes I can't let go of the junk that weighs me down.
Don't worry. I'll be OK. Even though our life has never been so scary, I've been through challenging emotional times before, and I know that God really IS enough and He WILL see us through.