From Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted on July 30, 2011.
So I've been battling a bit of PTSD and depression this summer. I
somehow had the stamina to survive from January to May, drifting through
a sea of confoundedness and sublime grace.
Once I had
the opportunity to relax a little, I noticed that I was becoming foggy
and irritable, tired and anxious, and I started flashing back to all the
moments of fear and anxiety that had come in the preceding months.
Every
day, as I would I drive past Sparrow Hospital on the way to and from
work, I would start dreading the memories it would stir up. I would get
a sick feeling in my stomach, remembering the 6 weeks, day in and day
out, that I practically lived in that hospital near my husband. I would
look at notes in my log book at work, notice the date, and think, "that
was when Al was in the hospital". I started waking up in the night
and I'd be gripped with fear that Al was going to die. This was 5-6
months after his stroke, but the fear would return as if it was that
first night he spent in the hospital.
I asked my doctor
if he thought I had PTSD after describing my symptoms, and he said,
"Uh... YEAH!" And he upped my dose of antidepressant.
According
to Wikipedia, Post-traumatic stress disorder is a severe anxiety
disorder that can develop after exposure to an event that results in
psychological trauma, overwhelming the individual's ability to cope.
Yup,
that's me. I would say my ability to cope is gone. Or maybe I'm just
tired. I'm tired of worrying about my husband's health. I'm tired of
the painstaking work that my husband has to do just to get his life
back. I'm tired of having to run every little errand that my husband
used to run. I'm tired of filling out paper work. I'm tired of having
to be a single parent. I'm tired of worrying about money.
I
could go on and on, but it's not really helpful or healthy to dwell on
the negatives. I am bound and determined to overcome my
overwhelmed-ness. I know the Lord is with me, and He has given me
enough grace to handle whatever comes my way.
As you
can probably tell by this blog post, my mind is less than sharp these
days. I hope to recover some of my mental acuity by exercise and eating
healthier, but that doesn't sound much different than Al's pre-stroke
days!
As always, gotta pray a little more, worry a little less, and survive on grace.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Botox
From Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted on July 27, 2011.
Al continues to have increased tone and spasticity in his muscles, specifically in his left arm. The correct term would be "hypertonia": the increased stiffness of muscles, and the resulting inability to stretch. Spasticity is related to tone, and what it means is that trying to stretch muscles in a state of hypertonia often results in the muscles rebelling and contracting excessively. Sometimes, if a muscle is stretched too fast, it can lead to clonus, which is when the arm or leg shakes uncontrollably.
Here is the frustrating part: we usually loosen up stiff muscles by stretching them. For a stroke survivor, though, the stiffness is not only dependent on the muscle itself. It is actually compounded by the damage to the brain. So the brain is not communicating with the muscles so that they behave correctly. I can bend and flex Al's arm repeatedly, and instead of loosening up, it tightens more and more as I go on. It's very frustrating because I want his muscles to behave like muscles should.
Botox would be a remedy for the stiffness in his muscles, but it would also likely weaken his muscles. It seems that every medication available for stroke damage offers the same 2-edged sword - yes, it will help control the tone and spasticity, but it will most likely cause muscle weakness at the same time. SO frustrating, since we obviously want Al's strength to increase, without having to overcome the muscle stiffness.
We're not at the point that he will be taking botox injections, but herein lies the difficulty of stroke rehabilitation. Not only do we have to hope and pray that Al's brain can reconnect with the left side of his body, but he has to work extra hard against the rebellion of his muscles.
Al continues to have increased tone and spasticity in his muscles, specifically in his left arm. The correct term would be "hypertonia": the increased stiffness of muscles, and the resulting inability to stretch. Spasticity is related to tone, and what it means is that trying to stretch muscles in a state of hypertonia often results in the muscles rebelling and contracting excessively. Sometimes, if a muscle is stretched too fast, it can lead to clonus, which is when the arm or leg shakes uncontrollably.
Here is the frustrating part: we usually loosen up stiff muscles by stretching them. For a stroke survivor, though, the stiffness is not only dependent on the muscle itself. It is actually compounded by the damage to the brain. So the brain is not communicating with the muscles so that they behave correctly. I can bend and flex Al's arm repeatedly, and instead of loosening up, it tightens more and more as I go on. It's very frustrating because I want his muscles to behave like muscles should.
Botox would be a remedy for the stiffness in his muscles, but it would also likely weaken his muscles. It seems that every medication available for stroke damage offers the same 2-edged sword - yes, it will help control the tone and spasticity, but it will most likely cause muscle weakness at the same time. SO frustrating, since we obviously want Al's strength to increase, without having to overcome the muscle stiffness.
We're not at the point that he will be taking botox injections, but herein lies the difficulty of stroke rehabilitation. Not only do we have to hope and pray that Al's brain can reconnect with the left side of his body, but he has to work extra hard against the rebellion of his muscles.
For Better or for Worse
From Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted on July 25, 2011.
"For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part."
I went to a wedding this weekend, and this particular part of the ceremony always cements my commitment to my husband just a little bit more. I know I will love him 'til death do us part. And I always get a little choked up at weddings: the beauty of the bride appearing at the end of the aisle, the look on the groom's face as he beholds his bride, the solemnity of the vows.
At this wedding in particular, though, I actually almost started sobbing and had to leave for a few moments to collect myself. Not because there was anything wrong with the marriage - it is a truly blessed union between two people that I greatly respect. But I lost it because, right now, I'm really living the "for worse", "for poorer", and "in sickness" part with the aftermath of my husband's stroke.
There's something about having gone through the past 7 months that makes me all the more fiercely committed to Al. But it's also getting pretty tiring, for both of us, and I imagine especially for Al, who has to face the daily struggle of living thus far without the aid of his left side. I can't imagine what it must be like for him to stare at that hand and to try with all his might to move it, but it just won't budge.
But I get into self-pity quite often since I'm the one carrying the weight of the family, working full-time and practically being a single parent. I forget to encourage the one who really needs encouragement!
It is my deepest desire to blog about my daily events and struggles, but I don't even know where to start. I want to spare my husband's feelings - not cause him to feel as if he's a burden on me. And I want to spare him his modesty. So, that leaves little to blog about.
I haven't lost my sense of humor, but I'm trying to get it back into my (almost) daily writing habit. I don't want to poke fun at my gimp of husband (self-labeled, FYI - he wants to market himself as "Guy In Management Profession"), so it makes it a bit more complicated to shed humor on our life at his/our expense.
Just checking in. I keep promising that I will be more faithful at blogging, but I truly don't know if I can keep that promise right now. But if I can ask for a few prayers to be able to balance my life enough to not be completely overwhelmed, I might have just a little bit to give back to the blogging community!
Take care, peeps!
"For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part."
I went to a wedding this weekend, and this particular part of the ceremony always cements my commitment to my husband just a little bit more. I know I will love him 'til death do us part. And I always get a little choked up at weddings: the beauty of the bride appearing at the end of the aisle, the look on the groom's face as he beholds his bride, the solemnity of the vows.
At this wedding in particular, though, I actually almost started sobbing and had to leave for a few moments to collect myself. Not because there was anything wrong with the marriage - it is a truly blessed union between two people that I greatly respect. But I lost it because, right now, I'm really living the "for worse", "for poorer", and "in sickness" part with the aftermath of my husband's stroke.
There's something about having gone through the past 7 months that makes me all the more fiercely committed to Al. But it's also getting pretty tiring, for both of us, and I imagine especially for Al, who has to face the daily struggle of living thus far without the aid of his left side. I can't imagine what it must be like for him to stare at that hand and to try with all his might to move it, but it just won't budge.
But I get into self-pity quite often since I'm the one carrying the weight of the family, working full-time and practically being a single parent. I forget to encourage the one who really needs encouragement!
It is my deepest desire to blog about my daily events and struggles, but I don't even know where to start. I want to spare my husband's feelings - not cause him to feel as if he's a burden on me. And I want to spare him his modesty. So, that leaves little to blog about.
I haven't lost my sense of humor, but I'm trying to get it back into my (almost) daily writing habit. I don't want to poke fun at my gimp of husband (self-labeled, FYI - he wants to market himself as "Guy In Management Profession"), so it makes it a bit more complicated to shed humor on our life at his/our expense.
Just checking in. I keep promising that I will be more faithful at blogging, but I truly don't know if I can keep that promise right now. But if I can ask for a few prayers to be able to balance my life enough to not be completely overwhelmed, I might have just a little bit to give back to the blogging community!
Take care, peeps!
Chronicle of a Stroke, Month 3 and Beyond
From Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted April 5, 2011.
I've been working on and off since Al's stroke. Thank God for FMLA - even though I only qualified for 6 weeks instead of 12 because I hadn't worked there a full year yet, I am thankful that I got to spend a lot of time at home with Al. As you might expect, it was much more difficult to be at work after Al came home from the hospital. I spent 3 weeks at home with him full time, and then I went back to work, part-time on most days, so that I could stretch out my leave time and be available to him as much as possible. Last week, I used up the last of my leave, and this week is spring break. Being the school secretary, it's my break, too.
I'm very grateful for the quietness and slowness of this week -we've had a lot of time to relax, although the kids do the occasional begging for something fun to do. We've had some good times, though, and it's been very enjoyable spending time with my family. One night, I made a camp-out in our living room -we lit candles and ate hot dogs and s'mores. Another rainy day (of which there have been many), we spent the afternoon playing Life. Yesterday, we went to the movies and saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules" - we parked in a handicapped spot, both in the parking lot, and in the theater with Al's wheelchair, we got giant sodas and mammoth buckets of popcorn and watched a funny movie. One day, the kids helped me paint doors and baseboards, which they enjoyed quite a bit.
I realize now that I'm starting to ramble in this post. It's hard to encapsulate our life. I just figured I had better at least write an update. Not only to keep you all posted, but to keep myself reminded of the goodness of life.
I've been working on and off since Al's stroke. Thank God for FMLA - even though I only qualified for 6 weeks instead of 12 because I hadn't worked there a full year yet, I am thankful that I got to spend a lot of time at home with Al. As you might expect, it was much more difficult to be at work after Al came home from the hospital. I spent 3 weeks at home with him full time, and then I went back to work, part-time on most days, so that I could stretch out my leave time and be available to him as much as possible. Last week, I used up the last of my leave, and this week is spring break. Being the school secretary, it's my break, too.
I'm very grateful for the quietness and slowness of this week -we've had a lot of time to relax, although the kids do the occasional begging for something fun to do. We've had some good times, though, and it's been very enjoyable spending time with my family. One night, I made a camp-out in our living room -we lit candles and ate hot dogs and s'mores. Another rainy day (of which there have been many), we spent the afternoon playing Life. Yesterday, we went to the movies and saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules" - we parked in a handicapped spot, both in the parking lot, and in the theater with Al's wheelchair, we got giant sodas and mammoth buckets of popcorn and watched a funny movie. One day, the kids helped me paint doors and baseboards, which they enjoyed quite a bit.
I realize now that I'm starting to ramble in this post. It's hard to encapsulate our life. I just figured I had better at least write an update. Not only to keep you all posted, but to keep myself reminded of the goodness of life.
Chronicle of a Stroke, Month 2
From Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted on March 5, 2011.
My hubby is home!!! He came home on February 17, a full 6 weeks and 1 day after his stroke. Yep, 6 whole weeks in the hospital - 5 of them in inpatient rehab. It's been fabulous to have him home, but a challenge as well. This is some of the equipment that came home with him: a wheelchair (obviously), KAFO: Knee-ankle-foot orthosis, small-base quad cane, a gait belt, a night splint.
As you can see, we have a lot of equipment to work with. Al worked hard for the 5 weeks in inpatient rehab, but he still needs some help with the basics. The wheelchair has an obvious purpose, but Al doesn't really use it unless we go any place where he has to take more than about 20 steps. Although his left leg is getting stronger and he is gaining more movement all the time, he requires the KAFO to stand and walk so that his knee doesn't buckle. It's a pretty high-tech device, though, since it has a lock to click it into place as he straightens his leg, but it also has enough "give" to let his knee bend enough to take a step as he learns to walk better. When he stands up, there is a click-click-click, kind of like a Barbie doll leg (or maybe Ken is a better comparison). Along with the KAFO, he is using the quad cane to balance and walk. During inpatient therapy, he was re-taught the painstaking stages of walking, except with 3 steps instead of the original 2. Move the cane forward, take a step with the left leg, and then a step with his right foot, making sure the right leg lands ahead of the left leg, otherwise the process results in the "wedding walk". Oh yeah, and the gait belt. I have to fasten it around his waist so that I have something to hold on to in order to help him keep his balance. So, being an overly-cautious wife, I'm sure that I drove my husband a little bit crazy during the first week, reminding him with every step to be careful and to keep his balance and to remember to try to bend his left knee, and to try to be sure to stand up straight, etc., etc., etc. Now I'm starting to relax a little bit and let him walk alone more often, although the physical therapists haven't officially given us the go-ahead to do that. I try to make sure his path is clear with every step, and I often keep at a close distance so that I can grab his belt if he starts to sway.
At night, he wears the night splint, which keeps his foot from "dropping" - in other words, his foot and ankle have to kept at a 90-degree angle or else it will be extremely difficult for him to stretch back into that position in the morning, which can cause obvious problems with standing and walking. So every night, I have to squeeze his foot and ankle into that uncomfortable thing, and it is fastened VERY tightly so that his foot doesn't move during the night. In the morning, we doff the night splint and don the KAFO, which requires some degree of coordination on both our parts.
This, in addition to the help he still needs with everyday self-care tasks, makes our morning and evening routine longer than it ever was before. But we're getting the hang of it. And this is only what we use for the bottom half! Al will still go to regular physical therapy, as well as speech therapy and occupational therapy, which will focus more on his upper body and hand/arm usage.
As of right now, Al still has very little use of his left arm, with no small motor control at all. He can shrug his shoulders a bit, but the OT's continue to encourage us that the use of his arm will gradually return, and it usually does return with large motor movements first, and then the fine motor skills follow. Speech therapy will have him focus on speaking more clearly as well as using more intonation, which he seems to have lost during the stroke. ST also regularly assesses his cognitive skills, which are still very much intact.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my husband is still mentally present, even though he is working hard at getting the rest of his body restored. He does have some trouble with short-term memory loss, but again, that should be recovered with time and practice. I've done a pretty poor job of blogging during this time, although I've stored away many, many details to write about at some later date.
So, this is a very brief update for all that we've been through for the past 2 months. So glad you're still reading!
My hubby is home!!! He came home on February 17, a full 6 weeks and 1 day after his stroke. Yep, 6 whole weeks in the hospital - 5 of them in inpatient rehab. It's been fabulous to have him home, but a challenge as well. This is some of the equipment that came home with him: a wheelchair (obviously), KAFO: Knee-ankle-foot orthosis, small-base quad cane, a gait belt, a night splint.
As you can see, we have a lot of equipment to work with. Al worked hard for the 5 weeks in inpatient rehab, but he still needs some help with the basics. The wheelchair has an obvious purpose, but Al doesn't really use it unless we go any place where he has to take more than about 20 steps. Although his left leg is getting stronger and he is gaining more movement all the time, he requires the KAFO to stand and walk so that his knee doesn't buckle. It's a pretty high-tech device, though, since it has a lock to click it into place as he straightens his leg, but it also has enough "give" to let his knee bend enough to take a step as he learns to walk better. When he stands up, there is a click-click-click, kind of like a Barbie doll leg (or maybe Ken is a better comparison). Along with the KAFO, he is using the quad cane to balance and walk. During inpatient therapy, he was re-taught the painstaking stages of walking, except with 3 steps instead of the original 2. Move the cane forward, take a step with the left leg, and then a step with his right foot, making sure the right leg lands ahead of the left leg, otherwise the process results in the "wedding walk". Oh yeah, and the gait belt. I have to fasten it around his waist so that I have something to hold on to in order to help him keep his balance. So, being an overly-cautious wife, I'm sure that I drove my husband a little bit crazy during the first week, reminding him with every step to be careful and to keep his balance and to remember to try to bend his left knee, and to try to be sure to stand up straight, etc., etc., etc. Now I'm starting to relax a little bit and let him walk alone more often, although the physical therapists haven't officially given us the go-ahead to do that. I try to make sure his path is clear with every step, and I often keep at a close distance so that I can grab his belt if he starts to sway.
At night, he wears the night splint, which keeps his foot from "dropping" - in other words, his foot and ankle have to kept at a 90-degree angle or else it will be extremely difficult for him to stretch back into that position in the morning, which can cause obvious problems with standing and walking. So every night, I have to squeeze his foot and ankle into that uncomfortable thing, and it is fastened VERY tightly so that his foot doesn't move during the night. In the morning, we doff the night splint and don the KAFO, which requires some degree of coordination on both our parts.
This, in addition to the help he still needs with everyday self-care tasks, makes our morning and evening routine longer than it ever was before. But we're getting the hang of it. And this is only what we use for the bottom half! Al will still go to regular physical therapy, as well as speech therapy and occupational therapy, which will focus more on his upper body and hand/arm usage.
As of right now, Al still has very little use of his left arm, with no small motor control at all. He can shrug his shoulders a bit, but the OT's continue to encourage us that the use of his arm will gradually return, and it usually does return with large motor movements first, and then the fine motor skills follow. Speech therapy will have him focus on speaking more clearly as well as using more intonation, which he seems to have lost during the stroke. ST also regularly assesses his cognitive skills, which are still very much intact.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my husband is still mentally present, even though he is working hard at getting the rest of his body restored. He does have some trouble with short-term memory loss, but again, that should be recovered with time and practice. I've done a pretty poor job of blogging during this time, although I've stored away many, many details to write about at some later date.
So, this is a very brief update for all that we've been through for the past 2 months. So glad you're still reading!
Chronicle of a Stroke, One Month and Beyond
From Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted February 5, 2011.
Yesterday was a full month since Al's stroke. All the intricate details that I thought I would remember are now fading into a blur. Al ended up spending 2 more days in ICU, and then was finally transferred to a regular unit on Sunday, January 9. Even though it was only 4 days, it felt like I had moved to the hospital. I had left my slippers, a stash of healthy snacks, and even a toothbrush in Al's room. It was a bit of a rude awakening to be transferred to a shared room, where we didn't have the entire run of the place. I took home my slippers and toothbrush. Once Al was settled into his new digs, it was time to bring the kiddos in to see him. I picked them up from school and we headed straight to the hospital. But first, we had to stop in the gift shop, of course. After loading up with a travel-sized Battleship game; an MSU Spartan key ring, a container of candy with a miniature "Get Well" balloon, and a big-eyed stuffed Panda bear that Faith chose so Al wouldn't be lonely. The kids were definitely thrilled to see him, but Faith had the hardest time seeing her big, strong Daddy so tired and weak in a hospital bed. She stayed by his side during the entire visit, and her eyes teared up many times. When it was time to leave, she didn't want to let go of his hand. Later that night, as we we snuggled together in my bed, Faith asked me, "Mommy, why did God let this happen to Daddy?" "Well, honey," I began, "Sometimes God lets things happen so we can learn to trust Him more." She responded, "How can I trust God if He let this happen?" All I could do was hug her, reassure her that Daddy would be OK, and pray that God would give her an answer to that difficult question. On January 11, Al moved into the rehab center at the hospital, and since then he has undertaken the grueling work of re-learning to walk, talk and move his entire left side. While still in the ICU, an Occupational Therapist - a slight woman - came in to get Al out of bed and into a chair. She had him sit up in bed, and then helped him swing his legs over the side of the bed. She then strapped a gait belt around his waist and had him scoot his hips as close to the edge of the bed as possible. When she helped him to stand, I was stunned to see the complete lack of ability demonstrated by his left side. He looked like a palsied child instead of my strong, able-bodied spouse. I swallowed hard and tried not to cry. They had originally thought he would spend 2-3 weeks in rehab, but his release date was soon pushed back to February 17 and it has been stuck there ever since. The consolation is now that we're into the month of February and only about 10 days remain until we receive him back home - 10 days that will now be packed full of painting, moving furniture and minor renovations. We will be moving our bedroom to the first floor and doing some minor tweaks to the bathrooms to make them more "user-friendly" for Al.
Yesterday was a full month since Al's stroke. All the intricate details that I thought I would remember are now fading into a blur. Al ended up spending 2 more days in ICU, and then was finally transferred to a regular unit on Sunday, January 9. Even though it was only 4 days, it felt like I had moved to the hospital. I had left my slippers, a stash of healthy snacks, and even a toothbrush in Al's room. It was a bit of a rude awakening to be transferred to a shared room, where we didn't have the entire run of the place. I took home my slippers and toothbrush. Once Al was settled into his new digs, it was time to bring the kiddos in to see him. I picked them up from school and we headed straight to the hospital. But first, we had to stop in the gift shop, of course. After loading up with a travel-sized Battleship game; an MSU Spartan key ring, a container of candy with a miniature "Get Well" balloon, and a big-eyed stuffed Panda bear that Faith chose so Al wouldn't be lonely. The kids were definitely thrilled to see him, but Faith had the hardest time seeing her big, strong Daddy so tired and weak in a hospital bed. She stayed by his side during the entire visit, and her eyes teared up many times. When it was time to leave, she didn't want to let go of his hand. Later that night, as we we snuggled together in my bed, Faith asked me, "Mommy, why did God let this happen to Daddy?" "Well, honey," I began, "Sometimes God lets things happen so we can learn to trust Him more." She responded, "How can I trust God if He let this happen?" All I could do was hug her, reassure her that Daddy would be OK, and pray that God would give her an answer to that difficult question. On January 11, Al moved into the rehab center at the hospital, and since then he has undertaken the grueling work of re-learning to walk, talk and move his entire left side. While still in the ICU, an Occupational Therapist - a slight woman - came in to get Al out of bed and into a chair. She had him sit up in bed, and then helped him swing his legs over the side of the bed. She then strapped a gait belt around his waist and had him scoot his hips as close to the edge of the bed as possible. When she helped him to stand, I was stunned to see the complete lack of ability demonstrated by his left side. He looked like a palsied child instead of my strong, able-bodied spouse. I swallowed hard and tried not to cry. They had originally thought he would spend 2-3 weeks in rehab, but his release date was soon pushed back to February 17 and it has been stuck there ever since. The consolation is now that we're into the month of February and only about 10 days remain until we receive him back home - 10 days that will now be packed full of painting, moving furniture and minor renovations. We will be moving our bedroom to the first floor and doing some minor tweaks to the bathrooms to make them more "user-friendly" for Al.
Happy Birthday to Me?
This post is from Jenny Sue Got Married, originally posted on January 14, 2011.
Today is my 41st birthday.
And my husband is in the hospital. He had a stroke on Wednesday, January 5. I've been meaning to blog about our experience, but it's been a little bit crazy around here, as you might expect.
Suffice it to say for now that my husband's stroke affected minor blood vessels in his brain, it was a "dry" stroke (a blockage, not a bleed), and it has caused lack of mobility on his left side. He still has some sensation, but as he describes, it feels like his arm and leg are always asleep. Once the stroke was complete (the first thing I learned about stroke was that a stroke isn't necessarily an instantaneous event, but it can progress over 3-5 days - in Al's case, it progressed over 1-2 days), he began the long, grueling work of rehab. The prognosis now is that he should regain enough of his normal functioning to return home in about 4 weeks. As of today, he still cannot stand or walk unassisted, so he has his work cut out for him.
Last night, after visiting my husband in the hospital and learning that he still had 4 weeks to go before coming home (as opposed to the originally projected 2-3 weeks), I couldn't hold back the tears. I went home and cried to my mom (who is here to help me and offer moral support), "Tomorrow is going to be my worst birthday ever!"
However, I believe that God was determined to prove me wrong. Today was a day filled with much grace and joy, despite the less-than-favorable circumstances. I chose to let the kids - and myself - sleep in and get up to enjoy a leisurely breakfast before rushing off to school. My mom made waffles. And I took a very nice bubble bath. I went in to work at around 10:30, and was treated to many birthday greetings throughout the day, including a table of kindergarteners, and 2 classes who sang "Happy Birthday" to me. My co-worker gave me a nice gift complete with dark chocolate and a Coke Zero, my perfect little pick-me-ups. My mom made pizza and birthday cake for me. We took some pizza and ice cream and went to visit my tired hubby in the hospital - the hours of physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy take a lot out of him.
I can't explain it, but it wasn't just the niceties of the day that made me happy - I had a true sense of peace and joy that I'm fairly convinced was God's birthday gift to me.
(PS: I will write in more detail about Al's stroke and all that God is doing in our life. . . .hopefully very soon!)
Today is my 41st birthday.
And my husband is in the hospital. He had a stroke on Wednesday, January 5. I've been meaning to blog about our experience, but it's been a little bit crazy around here, as you might expect.
Suffice it to say for now that my husband's stroke affected minor blood vessels in his brain, it was a "dry" stroke (a blockage, not a bleed), and it has caused lack of mobility on his left side. He still has some sensation, but as he describes, it feels like his arm and leg are always asleep. Once the stroke was complete (the first thing I learned about stroke was that a stroke isn't necessarily an instantaneous event, but it can progress over 3-5 days - in Al's case, it progressed over 1-2 days), he began the long, grueling work of rehab. The prognosis now is that he should regain enough of his normal functioning to return home in about 4 weeks. As of today, he still cannot stand or walk unassisted, so he has his work cut out for him.
Last night, after visiting my husband in the hospital and learning that he still had 4 weeks to go before coming home (as opposed to the originally projected 2-3 weeks), I couldn't hold back the tears. I went home and cried to my mom (who is here to help me and offer moral support), "Tomorrow is going to be my worst birthday ever!"
However, I believe that God was determined to prove me wrong. Today was a day filled with much grace and joy, despite the less-than-favorable circumstances. I chose to let the kids - and myself - sleep in and get up to enjoy a leisurely breakfast before rushing off to school. My mom made waffles. And I took a very nice bubble bath. I went in to work at around 10:30, and was treated to many birthday greetings throughout the day, including a table of kindergarteners, and 2 classes who sang "Happy Birthday" to me. My co-worker gave me a nice gift complete with dark chocolate and a Coke Zero, my perfect little pick-me-ups. My mom made pizza and birthday cake for me. We took some pizza and ice cream and went to visit my tired hubby in the hospital - the hours of physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy take a lot out of him.
I can't explain it, but it wasn't just the niceties of the day that made me happy - I had a true sense of peace and joy that I'm fairly convinced was God's birthday gift to me.
(PS: I will write in more detail about Al's stroke and all that God is doing in our life. . . .hopefully very soon!)
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